Created on 2015-06-19 - Comments
Horse: We should write it in PHP.
Cow: No; Ruby on Rails is better.
Duck: Forget about Rails; we need a native HTML+JS (or TypeScript) solution using React.js components.
Bee (various non-farm animals joined in the conversation): But Polymer is so much better!
Duck: And slower.
Bee: That was before 1.0.
Leech: Use TypeScript.
Horse: Microsoft is evil.
Cow: With TypeScript, we need to compile our code. What about PyPy.js?
Fish: Then we end up with a 2 hour startup time. That thing blows through 10 MB of data!
Bee: Just use TypeScript with a build system like Grunt.
Leech: Ugh! Grunt is so last-gen! Use Gulp.
Ant: Or Google's Anvil.
Duck: Anvil? Sounds painful.
Pig: What about writing the site in Nim? It has a JS backend.
Horse: Python is evil, and therefore Nim is evil.
Leech: Nim's creator called me a Leech!
Pig: YOU ARE A LEECH!!
Bee: We can use Java+GWT.
Duck: Or just Java.
Ant: Eh, no one likes Java; how about Scala?
Horse: Scala takes forever to compile, is slow, and is therefore evil.
Pig: We can use Kotlin or Groovy or...
Cow: But now we're back to the TypeScript problem: we need to compile our code.
Fish: Use Maven.
Ant: HA! We're not suicidal! Gradle is so much better.
Deer: And Buck.
Horse: Buck has Android build rules and is therefore evil.
Bee: All those suck! Just use Fbuild.
Duck: The Scala builder in Fbuild has been broken for ages, and no one there is seemingly smart enough to fix it.
Leech: At HLUYTSWE (Magic Engineering Company Inc.), they use a bunch of shell scripts layered under Shake using kdb to store hashes and redo for...
Horse: Shell scripts are evil.
Fish: *sigh* Whatever. How about C++?
Ant: Still not suicidal.
Cow: If we use C++, we need another build system. Again.
Cow: Autotools == pain, horror, and lengthy config times. CMake is faster.
Horse: CMake uses macros and is therefore evil.
Cow: But CMake has a Ninja generator!
Fish: Then use GN. Or Gyp.
Duck: Gyp is ugly and complicated.
Pig: Ninja was written for Chromium. I heard that they track the type of oven you have and zap you if you boil peanuts. We should use C++ with Clang+Tup.
Horse: Clang is sponsored by Apple and is therefore evil. The creator of Tup has a secret alliance with Mordor; therefore, Tup is evil.
Ant: GCC is better. Their license is the one true way. Besides, what about writing the site in Crystal or Felix?
Horse: Richard Stallman's beard is too long; therefore, GCC is evil. Crystal is written by a sword-wielding apple and is therefore evil. Felix is written by someone who can't shut their mouth for over 5 minutes and is therefore evil.
Leech: The MIT Expat license is much better than the GPL. What about Rust?
Ant: Again, not suicidal. The sheer number of errors related to borrowing/stealing/pillaging gives me heartburn.
Everyone: TO YOU EVERYTHING IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bee: C++ still has better IDE support than the other languages; we can use Visual Studio.
Horse: Visual Studio... gets kicked by pig
Duck: Nah, Vim is the best editor.
Pig: Emacs is better. I can type
C-f M-d shoot C-s-h-l-f-e and get a free hamburger.
Duck: Vim too:
Leech: Forget about it. I know the best language to use: K. Someone actually wrote a BF interpreter in a few lines of code!
Pig: The creator of K has no concept of code maintainability, and the person who wrote that interpreter is an alien from Pluto.
Fish: We can use Elm, which compiles to JS. Or we can use Haskell. I momentarily forgot how superior purely functional programming is...
Horse: opens his mouth and gets kicked by Duck .
Cow: The entire database can be a monadic applicative functorical set-based polymorphic monomorphic mathical editorial purely functional SHA1-based data structure.
Leech: What about Python?
Bee: Booooo to indentation syntax.
Fish: How about Go?
Ant: I told you guys! Not suicidal!
Leech: Someone released a study proving that using Go makes you grow excess armpit hair.
Pig: Go tracks you steps and zaps you if you kick a gofer.
Horse: WE WILL GO TO THE FARMER AND ASK!
Ant, Bee, Leech: We'll go first!
The ant, bee, and leech went the farmer, who freaked out by the sudden showing of unwanted creatures and drowned them all in alcohol.
Fish: Why don't you think they've come back?
Horse: They are evil. We shall go next.
The horse, cow, duck, fish, pig, went to the farmer. Now, the farmer had been on a vegetarian diet. When he saw all these animals, he want haywire, shot them, and had horse-beef-duck-fish-pork stew for dinner
However, the farmer realized he still needed to fix his web site, so he paid someone on the side of the street 5 bucks. Now he has a website that handles 0.04 requests per second, and he cannot find anyone who knows how to maintain the INTERCAL+BF web app the person wrote.
Motto: There's supposed to be a motto? Uhh...how about "If you don't stop debating, you'll get either drowned in alcohol or eaten?" Yeah, that's a good one! :)